Longing for Something Better

I was at a conference last weekend and heard Alicia Chole speak on Anonymous, which I had read a mere five days before. While initially disappointed, I later realized the benefit of having an altar call in between the chapters. The experience made me process the material in a way that I hadn't just by reading it. The area that hit me most was that of self-control. When Jesus was tempted to turn stones into bread, he had the self-control to obey the Father even though he had a legitimate need--hunger.

We often use our feelings and desires to justify why we should have something. Watching movies makes me happy, so there's no reason why I should give them up. This is my favorite kind of food, so the satisfaction I receive from eating it overrules it's unhealthiness. Surely I wouldn't naturally crave something that's bad for me.

Last week, I ate at Chick-fil-A for the first time in months and it made me ridiculously happy. I love the waffle fries and the chicken nuggets, and a smile came to my face as I once again experienced the glories of that particular fast food. Later I realized that my enjoyment of it, even my craving of it, had absolutely no impact on its nutritional value. Through continual intake of fast food, I have built up an appetite for it, but that doesn't mean satisfying that appetite is good for me.

Elisabeth Elliot takes this concept into a whole different arena--the desire to get married. In Passion and Purity, she writes, "My heart was saying, 'Lord, take away this longing, or give me that for which I long.' The Lord was answering, 'I must teach you to long for something better.'"

I must teach you to long for something better.

How do we change our appetites? Looking back at the food example, my only idea is self-control. If I start choosing to eat what I know if good for me, i.e., following truth instead of my feelings, I will eventually change what I crave. Perhaps the more we choose to look at Jesus, the more we'll realize that nothing else can possibly compare.

Books I'm Reading: Stripped

After spending two years on my Amazon wish list, Stripped: Uncensored Grace on the Streets of Vegas finally made it into my hands (this was actually due to the wonderful services of Paperbackswap.com, but that's a post for another time). The author of Stripped is Jud Wilhite, pastor of Central Christian Church in Las Vegas, and the book is mostly a snapshot of his congregation. He tells the stories of exotic dancers, an American Idol contestant, a homeless man, various addicts, a cop, and an Elvis impersonator who jumps out of planes. It's a compelling compilation that shows how God's grace can find all of us and how a community of faith can be a place where people can come before they are perfect or certain of their beliefs.

"Uncensored grace is what you get from a loving God when all the religious types have gone home, and every last hope for your own effort has blown up in your face."

Hobbit Friendship

I love Lord of the Rings, in both book and movie form. And I have a special fondness for hobbits. I think it's because they eat so many meals a day and it makes me a little jealous. But I found this exchange in The Fellowship of the Ring and thought it was worth sharing:

"But it does not seem that I can trust anyone," said Frodo.
Sam looked at him unhappily. "It all depends on what you want," put in Merry. "You can trust us to stick to you through thick and think--to the bitter end. And you can trust us to keep any secret of yours--closer than you keep it yourself. But you cannot trust us to let you face trouble alone, and go off without a word. We are your friends, Frodo."

New Music on a Budget

I have a growing love for NoiseTrade.com. The website was created by Derek Webb of Caedmon's Call so that artists could distribute their music to fans at a lower cost. To get music from the site, you either pay whatever you want to for it, or give Noise Trade the email addresses of five friends to spread the word about the artist. Some Matthew Perryman Jones and Katie Herzig were two of my favorite finds from this source. The same music doesn't stay available on Noise Trade forever, so you can keep checking back for new stuff that's available.

Books I'm Reading: Anonymous

I just finished Alica Britt Chole's book Anonymous: Jesus' Hidden Years... and Yours. I'm a big fan of Alicia Chole and am pretty excited to hear her speak in person this weekend at a conference in Williamsburg. Anonymous focuses on the value of seasons in our lives where we feel hidden, unrecognized or unproductive. The book has a really good balance of Biblical study and personal reflection. She has some especially great insights on the temptation of Jesus. But I really appreciated how she summed it all up by talking about the importance of obedience. If Jesus, who was God, submitted his will to the Father's, how much more should we do the same?

Some other highlights:
"Whatever we feed will live to tempt us another day."

"When we feel underestimated or unseen in real life, it is tempting to live out scenarios that make us feel wanted and recognized in our thought life. In seasons where we question our value, we can all too easily create--and frequently visit--an alternative version of life in our minds. Though such thoughts provide temporary color to what we perceive to be an otherwise dull existence, they are still an investment in untruth."

"Satan asked Jesus to trade the eternal for the visible, which is something he still invites us to do every day."

"During his uncelebrated anonymous season, a quiet reserve had been building within Jesus where he savored God's sweet fellowship undistracted by whatever circumstances happened to surround him."

More Thoughts on Solitude

I've always connected the spiritual disciplines of silence and solitude, associating them with being alone in a room, perhaps with the mental image of a monastery. But Richard Foster describes solitude as inner fulfillment or having a "portable sanctuary of the heart." In The Celebration of Discipline, he argues that "if we possess inward solitude we do not fear being alone, for we know that we are not alone. Neither do we fear being with others, for they do not control us. In the midst of noise and confusion we are settled into a deep inner silence." Maybe solitude is about being settled in yourself, inwardly listening for the voice of the Father while everything else clamors for your attention.

We tend to be uncomfortable with silence. Even in seeking God, we often feel better if there’s a worship song on in the background. Can we have a response time after a sermon without someone telling us what to sing or what to pray? If left to ourselves, what sound would come from our hearts? This is a question that must be answered in we are to live as Christ in the middle of the world, for we will often be in situations where there are no worship songs, no preacher or mentor telling us what to say or what to think. Does your heart yearn for God when nobody else is around?

Personality types have given introverts an excuse to run from community and extroverts an excuse to never be alone. But Jesus prioritized time with people as well as time alone. I'm always convicted when I read about him withdrawing from the crowds. Much of my so-called alone time is spent in a flurry of productivity. I'm emailing, reading, listening to or watching something. Solitude doesn't seem productive, therefore it doesn't seem important.

My goal this year is based in John 15:5 -- "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." While there is much that I could read and listen to that would encourage me to remain in Jesus, and many people who are also a part of that, I believe that solitude also plays a role. I have to remember that my flurries of productivity won't bear fruit unless I am retaining that intimacy with Christ.

The End of Solitude

I read a fascinating article the other day in The Chronicle of Higher Education written by William Deresiewicz entitled, "The End of Solitude."

Some excerpts:
"Young people today seem to have no desire for solitude, have never heard of it, can't imagine why it would be worth having. In fact, their use of technology — or to be fair, our use of technology — seems to involve a constant effort to stave off the possibility of solitude, a continuous attempt, as we sit alone at our computers, to maintain the imaginative presence of others."

"To remember this, to hold oneself apart from society, is to begin to think one's way beyond it. Solitude, Emerson said, 'is to genius the stern friend.' 'He who should inspire and lead his race must be defended from traveling with the souls of other men, from living, breathing, reading, and writing in the daily, time-worn yoke of their opinions.' One must protect oneself from the momentum of intellectual and moral consensus — especially, Emerson added, during youth."

"But no real excellence, personal or social, artistic, philosophical, scientific or moral, can arise without solitude. 'The saint and poet seek privacy,' Emerson said, '"to ends the most public and universal.' We are back to the seer, seeking signposts for the future in splendid isolation."

Deresiewicz makes many valid points, but I disagree with his conclusion. You can appreciate solitude and integrate it into your life without forsaking community completely. We don’t all need to move to Walden Pond. In the Christian life, we are called to both solitude and community.

The Mental Image

I chose Walking in Heels as a name for this blog because it’s been my mental image for my current season in life. This picture of a little girl walking out the door in shoes that are way too big for her may best describe how I feel.

I tell people that my soul is usually somewhere between the ages of five and twelve years old. For the most part, I feel like the world’s problems are over my head in their complexity. And yet, I feel God drawing me towards maturity, telling me in his gracious and gentle way that it’s time to grow up. To some degree, I believe the picture of this toddler will always be my mental image of myself. I will always be a child in God’s presence and expect he will continually challenge me with situations I believe are over my head. Dick Foth once said that we are children with God so that we can be adults around other people. I guess this blog is me trying to sort out how to do just that.

A Beginning

My reasons for blogging are primarily selfish. I don’t put my thoughts into words as much now that I’m not a student. My inner nerd has this confession: I miss writing research papers. The requirement of presenting newly acquired knowledge in a finished product, of weaving together arguments and viewpoints from multiple authors, gave me a reason to be curious. It forced me to dig deeper and make connections between the things I observed. I take in a lot of material, from books to sermons to blog posts. Despite all of my introverted qualities, I am also an external processor, unable to be at peace with conclusions drawn merely from solitary thought. Journaling is too much of a rough draft, not suitable for refining and polishing ideas. Discussion with friends provides no record to look back on. I want an environment where I can engage the ideas I consume, wrestling with them and processing them in hopes of coming to a more polished conclusion.

I also keep stumbling across Paul’s charge to Timothy to not neglect the gift that was in him. Writing has always been one of my gifts. I don’t believe our talents are fully formed at birth or by the end of adolescence. Blogging is my attempt to develop one of my abilities. I appreciate everyone in my life who has asked me in the past few years if I’m doing any writing—you have all encouraged me to not neglect the gift that is in me.

My hope in using this outlet to pursue these personal reasons for writing is that others will be blessed as a byproduct. I hope that some of my thoughts and struggles will resonate with those who read them, that I can connect people to good resources and prod them towards new ideas.